Dennis & Annachie Are Going on an Adventure!

My landlord has wanted to sell the unit I’m in for a while now. When he initially brought it up he made it clear that he wanted to sell it to me first and foremost but since I was in no position to buy it and we couldn’t find a way to make it work, he was content to keep me on as a renter. Well, I am now four, count ‘em four (4!) months behind on my rent so he’s bringing a realtor over to look at the place this coming Saturday. It looks like I’m going to be working at least sixteen hours a day between now and then to get this place cleaned up and ready. Then I need to figure out how to raise the $3,200.00 necessary to ransom my car from the shop so my dog Annachie and I won’t be on foot. I’ve been looking online at apartments in L.A. and actually found one that’s less than where I am now but I’m not sure anyone will rent to me with my credit rating. I may end up having to have a room mate or two-and that’s only if someone will let me rent a room from them. Weird.

To complicate things, I have to be down at Seattle Center before 5 this afternoon to do a new headshot session which I’m going to have to pay for with a check that I’m going to ask the photographer to hold till I get the money to cover it into the bank. It makes me feel bad to ask someone to do that-and he will because he’s a nice guy-but I just can’t afford the overdraft charges (if the bank would even honor the check which I’m not so sure about).

I've been thinking about starting a page or two on Facebook; a fan page for Dennis Kleinsmith, Actor and/or a page named "Dear Alan Ball, Please cast Dennis Kleinsmith!" and I would basically ask all my "friends" to sign up and ask their "friends" as well and promise them that if I succeed, they would always have a place to stay in L.A. and whatever assistance I could render. Before I do though, I’m trying to get some friends’ opinions on the idea as I’m worried it may be a little over the top. As hard as it is to believe, I do have a tendency to do that.

Just Had to Remember This.....

"We're going another way with the character you read for. We've cast Nell Carter who, although dead, is someone we believe will bring more to the role than you."

With thanks to Stephen Rader who I wish was my neighbour.

I Want to Fly....

Deep in the center of my chest there is a place, an organ or muscle that seems to be constantly clenched. In dreams, when I consciously let that go, the lightness that replaces it lifts me and by willing or "pushing" that lightness, I can control the direction and speed of my motion. Sometimes I test myself by seeing how high and fast I can go before I start to get frightened but as soon as I allow myself to feel fear or any kind of tension, I start to fall. As I descend, I lift my head, close my eyes and let go again, slowing myself until I gently touch ground.

I want to feel that lightness all the time, even when I'm awake. I want to live "unclenched." I want to fly.

A Boy's Own Stories

For a while now, I have wanted to write. Unlike most aspiring writers though, it's not because I believe I have the next "Great American Novel" but rather, for many years now, people in my life (including an Executive in the Publishing Business) have told me that tales of my life and the way I tell them are fascinating. Having been an actor and voracious reader for a certain number of years now, I have to acknowledge that I have developed fairly decent language skills. Unfortunately, I lack the necessary discipline to sit and write eight hours a day and when I do succeed in getting a fair amount down, I edit, rewrite and pick it apart to the point that I can't stand it anymore. Who knows? after all, I already have four books outlined. Basically they're serial novelizations of my life. Young childhood, teens and twenties, then final adulthood. The fourth book would be backstory; the lives of the surrounding characters prior to the beginning of the first book. I actually have pretty cool titles for them too but I want to get a copywright going before I list those publicly. Another reason I haven't pursued it is that I'm afraid it's really only a form of therapy-but I've come to the realization that it can be both cathartic and interesting reading. We'll see.

A Little Fall of Rain....

So the brothers said no, if I wanted to get any money from any potential future inheritance I would have to ask my father directly. Since I'm not feeling all that strong yet-especially just now but more about that later-I'm sending a card to my Stepmother. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking and I still don't have the money for my car....
Yesterday I chose to announce my plan to move down to L.A. to my boss & coworker. Now these people are also supposedly friends of mine-my coworker was very happy and excited for me; my boss was very quiet. Mind you, he was one of the people who have been telling me a couple times a year for the past several years that I needed to be down there and that he was sure that I would end up down there eventually, etc., etc. Later in the day, when we were alone, he slowly found fault & flaw over and over till he hadn't just rained on my parade, he had set fire to it, fanned it to a blaze then pissed all over it till it was mud and ashes. By last evening I was in a panic; what was I going to do? how could I have been so stupid? the sky is falling! the sky is falling! It got to the point where I couldn't sort out valid points from his (not my) fear and anger and I just shut down. All my joy and excitement-and associated productivity-seemed to vanish. I couldn't get to sleep as easily as I had recently, had unquiet dreams-not quite the usual nightmares but enough to leave my mind troubled upon waking-and had trouble waking and getting out of bed.
Gradually however, throughout the morning, I've made some realizations; first and foremost, I don't care about a lot of the things he was talking about. They were/are aspects of Life and lifestyle that are important to him, not me. I am totally prepared and willing to live out of my car and/or couch surf in order to pursue my career and nothing else. Sure, I might miss some comforts I don't even realize I have once they're gone but right now those are his fears and concerns, not mine and I can't let them hold me back. Also, a lot of the suggestions and criticisms he's made over the time I've known him, while made entirely in the spirit of love and helpfulness, have carried enough weight in my mind as to make me feel like a failure and not qualified somehow-qualified for what, I don't even know-leaving me feeling endlessly depressed and out of place. Through absolutely no one's fault, this has been an emotionally abusive relationship. A pattern my father designed over forty years ago that only now can I look back and identify. Scary. Scary that the pattern was so deeply ingrained I didn't even know it was there and scary that now that I can break it, I don't have one to follow.

I Remember Mama....

Remembering my Mother (whom my brothers and I called "Mum") is a very bittersweet pastime. While life at that time was idyllic at times, or at least those are the memories that come to the forefront, it was never what I wanted it to be or what I saw in other people's homes. I can't help wishing, as I have ever since she died, that it had been my father who died and my Mum who had lived. Yes, yes, I know, we can't know what might have been but it certainly couldn't have been worse so at least it would have been different.
I don't know my nephews and nieces and it's been more than twenty years since I've seen my sister-in-law with her children so I have no idea what kind of mother she is or has been but, despite her fanatic religious bigotry (the reason why I don't know my nephews and nieces), I sincerely hope she was as good, fun and loving as was mine.

Passive/Agressive Begging

Is it awful to pray that a parent dies? Even if they were truly monstrous (honestly, by anyone's definition)? I have decided and commited to moving to Los Angeles in June but the past several months have been so bad financially that I need to come up with ten thousand dollars just to get my head above water much less move and be able to get a place. So I've started telling people all the sad events of my life and asking if they have any suggestions rather than asking for help directly. Sad, huh? I've just suggested to one of my two brothers that it could possibly be an option for them to lend me whatever I stand to inherit from our father and we could settle it when he does pass away. I don't know if they'll go for it but I had to try. Now, back out into the world.

Chronic Fatigue?

I'm not so much a hypochondriac as I just want something I can act on. If it didn't take two full pots of coffee and some non-amphetamine uppers just to keep myself awake for ten or twelve hours (and that's with a nap) I'd admit to being lazy but this is getting ridiculous. It reminds me of the comedian Larry Miller who once said "My father had three jobs and went to school at night. If I go to the cleaners and the bank in the same day I need a nap." The worst part of it is it actually feeds my fears and insecurities. When I have energy I just put stuff out there because I have the strength to withstand whatever criticism that might come along but when I'm this tired constantly the thought of someone finding flaw is devastating so I just don't take any risks by putting anything out there.