A Little Fall of Rain....

So the brothers said no, if I wanted to get any money from any potential future inheritance I would have to ask my father directly. Since I'm not feeling all that strong yet-especially just now but more about that later-I'm sending a card to my Stepmother. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking and I still don't have the money for my car....
Yesterday I chose to announce my plan to move down to L.A. to my boss & coworker. Now these people are also supposedly friends of mine-my coworker was very happy and excited for me; my boss was very quiet. Mind you, he was one of the people who have been telling me a couple times a year for the past several years that I needed to be down there and that he was sure that I would end up down there eventually, etc., etc. Later in the day, when we were alone, he slowly found fault & flaw over and over till he hadn't just rained on my parade, he had set fire to it, fanned it to a blaze then pissed all over it till it was mud and ashes. By last evening I was in a panic; what was I going to do? how could I have been so stupid? the sky is falling! the sky is falling! It got to the point where I couldn't sort out valid points from his (not my) fear and anger and I just shut down. All my joy and excitement-and associated productivity-seemed to vanish. I couldn't get to sleep as easily as I had recently, had unquiet dreams-not quite the usual nightmares but enough to leave my mind troubled upon waking-and had trouble waking and getting out of bed.
Gradually however, throughout the morning, I've made some realizations; first and foremost, I don't care about a lot of the things he was talking about. They were/are aspects of Life and lifestyle that are important to him, not me. I am totally prepared and willing to live out of my car and/or couch surf in order to pursue my career and nothing else. Sure, I might miss some comforts I don't even realize I have once they're gone but right now those are his fears and concerns, not mine and I can't let them hold me back. Also, a lot of the suggestions and criticisms he's made over the time I've known him, while made entirely in the spirit of love and helpfulness, have carried enough weight in my mind as to make me feel like a failure and not qualified somehow-qualified for what, I don't even know-leaving me feeling endlessly depressed and out of place. Through absolutely no one's fault, this has been an emotionally abusive relationship. A pattern my father designed over forty years ago that only now can I look back and identify. Scary. Scary that the pattern was so deeply ingrained I didn't even know it was there and scary that now that I can break it, I don't have one to follow.