I can’t believe I haven’t made a post in almost a month. Quite the busy month and much yet to do in the remaining week. Moved from the condo I’d been in for almost seven years to Pete Rush’s apt. (which I have to be out of in 3 days in order to clean it up before he gets back from out of town on Saturday), had a minor bout of Meningitis which was largely camouflaged by the beginnings of withdrawal from Effexor (it was surprising how quickly that began) and while currently still unemployed and overdrawn at the Bank, I did manage to actually speak with and consequently email all my materials to June Lowry-Johnson, the Casting Director for “True Blood.” Using the Assistant Editor’s name (who I had an introduction to and a very slight e-conversation with on Facebook) got me past the receptionist. I hadn’t planned it that way but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Now I have to make sure I follow up and mail out hard copies with a thank-you note.
This coming Sunday evening, the 26th, is the premier of “Dichotomy” at the Harvard Exit. My role is relatively minor but at least it’s not a villain and it’s well-shot so a chunk of it is on my Demo Reel. I’m looking forward to it but would have preferred having seen it in private first. Oh well. The next morning is my departure. Still haven’t spoken with anyone down in L.A. so I don’t know where I’m going to be staying when I get there but I know it will all work out.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Oberon, King of Shadows By Dennis Kleinsmith
In the deepest darkness of a moonless night or an old, silent, forest, perhaps even an abandoned street or alley, that primitive part of our brain that knows things that science can’t explain, awakes. It perceives…something…presences, from which it tells us we shouldn’t just run but run screaming. Have you ever wondered about those…things? Wondered about, as truly frightening as whatever they might be are, what frightens them? Let me introduce myself….
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Learning to Let Go Or Drama; How I Loves Ya, How I Loves Ya part II
Some performers drink or take drugs to take the edge off of the stress. I don’t need to go into the drawbacks of these methods. Fortunately for me, for reasons I’ll perhaps go into another time, I can’t drink or do drugs-and actually have come to like it that way. As ‘Mars’ Marzac says in Richard Greenberg’s ‘Take Me Out’; “The great advantage of an extremely narrow life is the slightest deviation produces staggering results.” An undeniable benefit of this method though, in addition to it being a social activity that turns you into a good ‘ol boy, is that it speeds the whole ordeal up and leaves it in perspective. Nothing puts problems in their place and turns one’s awareness to the grind of daily life like a hangover.
While many people turn to established religions in times of difficulty, the events of the past year have found me learning to turn to myself and the entity some call the universe (which can be argued is just another face or form of god-but that is yet another story…damn, there’s a lot of those ‘other’ stories, aren’t there?). The process is to ask for what you want, believing sincerely that you deserve it and that it indeed is on it’s way to you, let it go and be thankful. The majority of us who were raised Christian were taught, in regards to problems, to “give it to god and let it go” but that was quickly followed by the reminder that whatever we received was out of god’s goodness and that we were not truly deserving.
Anyone who has ever tried to break a habit, be it smoking, overeating, whatever, knows how hard it is to change a pattern but to change a thought pattern is the hardest of all. It’s not just rewriting a program, it’s changing the base code of the computer that is our brain! Go on, give it a quick try; there’s bound to be something out there that everyone who reads this believes they deserve, so tell yourself you want it, you deserve it and it is now on it’s way and you are so very grateful for it. Wait. Wait a little more. Don’t be in such a freakin hurry. Okay, how long did it take for that sarcastic, bitchy little voice in the back of your mind to say “yeah, right”? If we don’t believe in something, we won’t be looking for it and will therefore wind up passing right on by it when it does turn up.
I have let go of feeling foolish at simply and straightforwardly asking for what I want. I have allowed my belief that I deserve good things to come out of the closet. God and y’all know how grateful I am for all good things in my life (and even some of the not-so-good). Here’s where I still have work to do; believing those good things I want, need and deserve are out there and coming to me. I still do my work towards achieving and obtaining them but at the first glimpse of an apparent obstacle those damned doubts malingering in the shadowy corners and attics of my mind leap out and start crowing “see! see! we told you so! we told you so!” Learning to erase those thoughts or not hear them or simply marching on despite them is hard. Opening up, asking for what I want, believing in myself and my worth has also shattered that protective armour of indifference I had built up, that shell of apathy that was my coping mechanism. So now I have to learn to let go, really, truly let go. Ah well.
While many people turn to established religions in times of difficulty, the events of the past year have found me learning to turn to myself and the entity some call the universe (which can be argued is just another face or form of god-but that is yet another story…damn, there’s a lot of those ‘other’ stories, aren’t there?). The process is to ask for what you want, believing sincerely that you deserve it and that it indeed is on it’s way to you, let it go and be thankful. The majority of us who were raised Christian were taught, in regards to problems, to “give it to god and let it go” but that was quickly followed by the reminder that whatever we received was out of god’s goodness and that we were not truly deserving.
Anyone who has ever tried to break a habit, be it smoking, overeating, whatever, knows how hard it is to change a pattern but to change a thought pattern is the hardest of all. It’s not just rewriting a program, it’s changing the base code of the computer that is our brain! Go on, give it a quick try; there’s bound to be something out there that everyone who reads this believes they deserve, so tell yourself you want it, you deserve it and it is now on it’s way and you are so very grateful for it. Wait. Wait a little more. Don’t be in such a freakin hurry. Okay, how long did it take for that sarcastic, bitchy little voice in the back of your mind to say “yeah, right”? If we don’t believe in something, we won’t be looking for it and will therefore wind up passing right on by it when it does turn up.
I have let go of feeling foolish at simply and straightforwardly asking for what I want. I have allowed my belief that I deserve good things to come out of the closet. God and y’all know how grateful I am for all good things in my life (and even some of the not-so-good). Here’s where I still have work to do; believing those good things I want, need and deserve are out there and coming to me. I still do my work towards achieving and obtaining them but at the first glimpse of an apparent obstacle those damned doubts malingering in the shadowy corners and attics of my mind leap out and start crowing “see! see! we told you so! we told you so!” Learning to erase those thoughts or not hear them or simply marching on despite them is hard. Opening up, asking for what I want, believing in myself and my worth has also shattered that protective armour of indifference I had built up, that shell of apathy that was my coping mechanism. So now I have to learn to let go, really, truly let go. Ah well.
Learning to Let Go or Drama; How I Loves Ya, How I Loves Ya
Okay, I admit it. I’m a drama queen. But let’s face it, what Actor isn’t? It goes with the territory. The only difference is which particular drama you choose to play out can either win you admiration, sympathy or outright abuse-and each one can get different results for different actors. Now it’s your turn. Think about it, don’t you have a touch of drama in your life that keeps you challenged and you’d miss if it was completely resolved? Of course you do or else life would be boring as all get out. Sure, sometimes there’s an over abundance and it feels nice to get away from it but in those cases, what’s the first thing we do? Pick up a book or watch a movie that has drama in it!
Part of what I’m doing with my life right now though is changing that-not getting rid of it, just changing what follows it. I can’t figure out exactly where or when I learned to view life in black or white terms; “if I don’t get this role my life is worthless – or – if I get dumped again that’s it, I’m never having another relationship” but every so often I tend to believe all my eggs are in one basket. What I’m trying to learn is that, even if all the eggs are in one basket and that basket should fall and break, I can pick up the pieces and re-weave the basket and go find another chicken. There will always be more eggs and other baskets.
Now, every performer has their own way of dealing with the stress that comes between an audition and the verdict. And of course, many (if not most) directors/producers/theaters never notify the ones who don’t get the job, we just have to wait till the production dates have come and gone and figure it out for ourselves. The problem with that is that the longer you have to wait, and the bigger the role/show/paycheck, the stress is that much more intense. When I was younger I developed the habit of not telling anyone about any auditions I had. That way, not only was I not reminded of it as much by people asking ‘how’d it go?’ but I could walk away feeling like there was less on the line; I wouldn’t have to face other peoples’ disappointment if I didn’t get it. (yeah, yeah, I know; dysfunctional childhood, blah, blah, blah)
(to be continued)
Part of what I’m doing with my life right now though is changing that-not getting rid of it, just changing what follows it. I can’t figure out exactly where or when I learned to view life in black or white terms; “if I don’t get this role my life is worthless – or – if I get dumped again that’s it, I’m never having another relationship” but every so often I tend to believe all my eggs are in one basket. What I’m trying to learn is that, even if all the eggs are in one basket and that basket should fall and break, I can pick up the pieces and re-weave the basket and go find another chicken. There will always be more eggs and other baskets.
Now, every performer has their own way of dealing with the stress that comes between an audition and the verdict. And of course, many (if not most) directors/producers/theaters never notify the ones who don’t get the job, we just have to wait till the production dates have come and gone and figure it out for ourselves. The problem with that is that the longer you have to wait, and the bigger the role/show/paycheck, the stress is that much more intense. When I was younger I developed the habit of not telling anyone about any auditions I had. That way, not only was I not reminded of it as much by people asking ‘how’d it go?’ but I could walk away feeling like there was less on the line; I wouldn’t have to face other peoples’ disappointment if I didn’t get it. (yeah, yeah, I know; dysfunctional childhood, blah, blah, blah)
(to be continued)
Monday, June 22, 2009
Where's the 'Delete' Button on this Thing?
I believed with all my heart. Honestly, truly, sincerely believed. These golden opportunities, they came out of nowhere. I worked my ass off-getting my support stuff together; reel online, memorized entire scripts virtually overnight, brushed up on my Russian.... I faced my fears and came out of my shell and cared. I even showed other people how much I cared by telling them and asking for them to care as well-something I haven't done in many, many years-and made myself vulnerable. All this belief, all this support, it gave me hope. What was I supposed to learn here except how to make a fool of myself? And what am I suppose to do with these? these shards and pieces of what my heart used to be?
Someone told me once that we are all stars in our own little ongoing stories. Some stories are comedies, some are romances and some, well, some are tragedies. I think I want a rewrite.
Someone told me once that we are all stars in our own little ongoing stories. Some stories are comedies, some are romances and some, well, some are tragedies. I think I want a rewrite.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Breaking My Silence
A lot of people think I tend to live life on a 'grand' scale in the sense of melodrama and heightened emotion. Those who know the intimate details of my past and present life though, would attest that I could go a lot higher and still be presenting myself honestly and perhaps even modestly. Nonetheless, for a while now, I have lived in fear of being perceived as a 'drama queen' so I just don't talk about things. Since I've asked people for their emotional and spiritual assistance over the past week though, I feel obligated to explain.
Like most people, over the past few years I've just been 'scraping by' financially. Occasionally having to do the old trick of paying a bill with an unsigned check to give myself enough time to come up with money before the company got back to me. Then, last Fall, a series of financial tragedies began that pretty much sent me "down the Rabbit hole" with no way back. Of course, it was a domino effect; no money-no car, no car-no job, no job-deeper into debt and, as of 7/1/09, homeless.
By the way, if you're in Seattle, I'm selling; a four-poster, Queen sized (no jokes please) 'Paul Bunyan' bed, four natural-finish oak folding bookshelves (2 3-shelves, 2 4-shelves), a roll-top chestnut stained oak 'Secretary' desk & chair. Hope to have pics & listings online here & Craigslist by this evening.
Now, I don't really fear homelessness. Enough people have very generously volunteered to let me 'couch surf' in their homes till I land on my feet that I wouldn't burn out my welcome at any one place-and even if I wound up living out of my car (some, if not most, folks have roommates that prevent them from inviting me with my dog into their homes) I know I could stop by and use a friend's shower here and there. It's a fairly depressing prospect but I would survive it. However, this past Monday I got to audition for a fairly large supporting role in the next John Carpenter film. The rate of pay would not only stave off homelessness, it would actually give me a month or so of breathing room. I was called back on Tuesday. I felt like I 'nailed' it but I haven't heard anything from my agent and they start filming July 27th. There's still time and I have to believe and beg everyone out there to believe and pray that I get it. Then, on Wednesday, I was told I had an audition down in Portland the next day for the TNT cable channel drama 'Leverage' with Timothy Hutton. Again, a large supporting (though only one episode) role. I went to the audition, got called back later in the day and again, feel like I nailed it. Not to be derivative or show my age but I want these gigs, I NEED these gigs, God I have to GET these gigs.
Yes, there are 'day jobs' out there but the truth is, I don't have a lot of 'day job' skills. I had been working at one for the past two years but, when I was without my car (thanks to yet another tragedy) from mid-May till yesterday, the company simply had no choice but to replace me. And as for taking non-skilled labor positions, they tend not to hire 47-year-olds with college degrees because they tend not to do well under the authority of teens and early twenty-somethings with acne.
Getting these gigs would be both life-changing and life-saving.
So that's it for now, I'll let you know as soon as I hear something else. Thank you all, so very, very much for your kind thoughts and prayers, they are really appreciated.
Like most people, over the past few years I've just been 'scraping by' financially. Occasionally having to do the old trick of paying a bill with an unsigned check to give myself enough time to come up with money before the company got back to me. Then, last Fall, a series of financial tragedies began that pretty much sent me "down the Rabbit hole" with no way back. Of course, it was a domino effect; no money-no car, no car-no job, no job-deeper into debt and, as of 7/1/09, homeless.
By the way, if you're in Seattle, I'm selling; a four-poster, Queen sized (no jokes please) 'Paul Bunyan' bed, four natural-finish oak folding bookshelves (2 3-shelves, 2 4-shelves), a roll-top chestnut stained oak 'Secretary' desk & chair. Hope to have pics & listings online here & Craigslist by this evening.
Now, I don't really fear homelessness. Enough people have very generously volunteered to let me 'couch surf' in their homes till I land on my feet that I wouldn't burn out my welcome at any one place-and even if I wound up living out of my car (some, if not most, folks have roommates that prevent them from inviting me with my dog into their homes) I know I could stop by and use a friend's shower here and there. It's a fairly depressing prospect but I would survive it. However, this past Monday I got to audition for a fairly large supporting role in the next John Carpenter film. The rate of pay would not only stave off homelessness, it would actually give me a month or so of breathing room. I was called back on Tuesday. I felt like I 'nailed' it but I haven't heard anything from my agent and they start filming July 27th. There's still time and I have to believe and beg everyone out there to believe and pray that I get it. Then, on Wednesday, I was told I had an audition down in Portland the next day for the TNT cable channel drama 'Leverage' with Timothy Hutton. Again, a large supporting (though only one episode) role. I went to the audition, got called back later in the day and again, feel like I nailed it. Not to be derivative or show my age but I want these gigs, I NEED these gigs, God I have to GET these gigs.
Yes, there are 'day jobs' out there but the truth is, I don't have a lot of 'day job' skills. I had been working at one for the past two years but, when I was without my car (thanks to yet another tragedy) from mid-May till yesterday, the company simply had no choice but to replace me. And as for taking non-skilled labor positions, they tend not to hire 47-year-olds with college degrees because they tend not to do well under the authority of teens and early twenty-somethings with acne.
Getting these gigs would be both life-changing and life-saving.
So that's it for now, I'll let you know as soon as I hear something else. Thank you all, so very, very much for your kind thoughts and prayers, they are really appreciated.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Animated Suspension
So what was supposed to be over by last night is turning into a week long ordeal.
Twelve years ago my Great Aunt Claire (who I frequently refer to as my Grandmother-but that's another story) whom I had been the guardian and conservator for and was her primary caregiver for ten years, had a series of Trans Ischemic Attacks or, TIAs (basically mini-strokes) over a period of weeks and wound up bedridden in a semi-vegetative state. Her body was still functioning but her brain had basically shut down. The doctors said that, even with mechanical assistance such as feeding tubes, oxygen, etc., the best that could be hoped for would be another year but she would never be cognitive again. She was 89 years old. It was up to me to decide if she lived or died. Obviously, I asked a lot of people's opinions. Every single person I asked, Medical Professionals, a Lutheran Pastor, family members and friends, all said to let her go would be the kindest, most charitable thing I could do. So on Friday afternoon I said not to place the tubes and the Doctor assured me she wouldn't make it through the weekend. Well, in her entire life Claire never did anything as she was supposed to (yet another story or rather, stories) and she lived ten more days. I was a BASKET CASE! Wracked with self doubt; had I made the wrong decision? could I have taken better care of her? was it too late to change the order? By the last day I was so torn up that I was nauseous, had diarrhea and hadn't slept in days. All over a situation in which I had done all I could and no longer had any control.
Okay, my current situation is only life-or-death for me, not another human being so it's a little different.
Tomorrow it's down to Portland, today it's errands and script study. And a whole lotta deep breathing.
Twelve years ago my Great Aunt Claire (who I frequently refer to as my Grandmother-but that's another story) whom I had been the guardian and conservator for and was her primary caregiver for ten years, had a series of Trans Ischemic Attacks or, TIAs (basically mini-strokes) over a period of weeks and wound up bedridden in a semi-vegetative state. Her body was still functioning but her brain had basically shut down. The doctors said that, even with mechanical assistance such as feeding tubes, oxygen, etc., the best that could be hoped for would be another year but she would never be cognitive again. She was 89 years old. It was up to me to decide if she lived or died. Obviously, I asked a lot of people's opinions. Every single person I asked, Medical Professionals, a Lutheran Pastor, family members and friends, all said to let her go would be the kindest, most charitable thing I could do. So on Friday afternoon I said not to place the tubes and the Doctor assured me she wouldn't make it through the weekend. Well, in her entire life Claire never did anything as she was supposed to (yet another story or rather, stories) and she lived ten more days. I was a BASKET CASE! Wracked with self doubt; had I made the wrong decision? could I have taken better care of her? was it too late to change the order? By the last day I was so torn up that I was nauseous, had diarrhea and hadn't slept in days. All over a situation in which I had done all I could and no longer had any control.
Okay, my current situation is only life-or-death for me, not another human being so it's a little different.
Tomorrow it's down to Portland, today it's errands and script study. And a whole lotta deep breathing.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
"Sometimes I Feel as Like I'm Almost Gone"
When I was little I saw an episode of 'I Love Lucy' where Ricky had told Lucy some secret about an opportunity but that she shouldn't tell anyone because; "you'll jinx it if you blab". That phrase stuck in my head and has become my own little superstition along with, if you ask whether or not a decision has been made, it will be against you. I just realized that those are in keeping with something my Godmother told me; "never eavesdrop or snoop because you'll only hear or learn things that will make you unhappy". Huh. When I look back in my memory, except for specific life-altering tragedies, I tend to only (or at least first) remember the good, happy and best times but I'm having a hard time recalling being given any encouraging advice. Anyway, there are what could be life-altering decisions being made about me right now where I've pretty much had all the input I can and need to let go. That's a lot easier than it sounds. Doing so makes me feel like I'm fading away. I guess I'm not doing it right. It wouldn't be the first time.
