Learning to Let Go Or Drama; How I Loves Ya, How I Loves Ya part II

Some performers drink or take drugs to take the edge off of the stress. I don’t need to go into the drawbacks of these methods. Fortunately for me, for reasons I’ll perhaps go into another time, I can’t drink or do drugs-and actually have come to like it that way. As ‘Mars’ Marzac says in Richard Greenberg’s ‘Take Me Out’; “The great advantage of an extremely narrow life is the slightest deviation produces staggering results.” An undeniable benefit of this method though, in addition to it being a social activity that turns you into a good ‘ol boy, is that it speeds the whole ordeal up and leaves it in perspective. Nothing puts problems in their place and turns one’s awareness to the grind of daily life like a hangover.

While many people turn to established religions in times of difficulty, the events of the past year have found me learning to turn to myself and the entity some call the universe (which can be argued is just another face or form of god-but that is yet another story…damn, there’s a lot of those ‘other’ stories, aren’t there?). The process is to ask for what you want, believing sincerely that you deserve it and that it indeed is on it’s way to you, let it go and be thankful. The majority of us who were raised Christian were taught, in regards to problems, to “give it to god and let it go” but that was quickly followed by the reminder that whatever we received was out of god’s goodness and that we were not truly deserving.

Anyone who has ever tried to break a habit, be it smoking, overeating, whatever, knows how hard it is to change a pattern but to change a thought pattern is the hardest of all. It’s not just rewriting a program, it’s changing the base code of the computer that is our brain! Go on, give it a quick try; there’s bound to be something out there that everyone who reads this believes they deserve, so tell yourself you want it, you deserve it and it is now on it’s way and you are so very grateful for it. Wait. Wait a little more. Don’t be in such a freakin hurry. Okay, how long did it take for that sarcastic, bitchy little voice in the back of your mind to say “yeah, right”? If we don’t believe in something, we won’t be looking for it and will therefore wind up passing right on by it when it does turn up.

I have let go of feeling foolish at simply and straightforwardly asking for what I want. I have allowed my belief that I deserve good things to come out of the closet. God and y’all know how grateful I am for all good things in my life (and even some of the not-so-good). Here’s where I still have work to do; believing those good things I want, need and deserve are out there and coming to me. I still do my work towards achieving and obtaining them but at the first glimpse of an apparent obstacle those damned doubts malingering in the shadowy corners and attics of my mind leap out and start crowing “see! see! we told you so! we told you so!” Learning to erase those thoughts or not hear them or simply marching on despite them is hard. Opening up, asking for what I want, believing in myself and my worth has also shattered that protective armour of indifference I had built up, that shell of apathy that was my coping mechanism. So now I have to learn to let go, really, truly let go. Ah well.