Animated Suspension

So what was supposed to be over by last night is turning into a week long ordeal.

Twelve years ago my Great Aunt Claire (who I frequently refer to as my Grandmother-but that's another story) whom I had been the guardian and conservator for and was her primary caregiver for ten years, had a series of Trans Ischemic Attacks or, TIAs (basically mini-strokes) over a period of weeks and wound up bedridden in a semi-vegetative state. Her body was still functioning but her brain had basically shut down. The doctors said that, even with mechanical assistance such as feeding tubes, oxygen, etc., the best that could be hoped for would be another year but she would never be cognitive again. She was 89 years old. It was up to me to decide if she lived or died. Obviously, I asked a lot of people's opinions. Every single person I asked, Medical Professionals, a Lutheran Pastor, family members and friends, all said to let her go would be the kindest, most charitable thing I could do. So on Friday afternoon I said not to place the tubes and the Doctor assured me she wouldn't make it through the weekend. Well, in her entire life Claire never did anything as she was supposed to (yet another story or rather, stories) and she lived ten more days. I was a BASKET CASE! Wracked with self doubt; had I made the wrong decision? could I have taken better care of her? was it too late to change the order? By the last day I was so torn up that I was nauseous, had diarrhea and hadn't slept in days. All over a situation in which I had done all I could and no longer had any control.

Okay, my current situation is only life-or-death for me, not another human being so it's a little different.

Tomorrow it's down to Portland, today it's errands and script study. And a whole lotta deep breathing.